Chad Dearey

Judah- I am sorry, I feel I may have failed you.

It was just yesterday when I was weeping uncontrollably in the hospital. The Dr’s did not know if you would live or die and if you lived they assumed you would be a vegetable. I remember bargaining with God saying “God if you can just keep him alive, my faith in You will make him whole”.

In a couple of days it will be your 5th birthday and you don’t walk, crawl, stand, sit, you rarely roll, your vocabulary is limited, and you have seizures almost daily.

We have tried therapy after therapy. We sent you to a special needs school. We raised money and purchased a hyperbaric chamber.. but nothing has really worked the way I expected.

You are turning 5 and I feel like I have failed you. Daddy can’t fix it. My heart and emotions break when I see you lay on the floor. I wonder what you would have been like without the brain injury.  I wonder what your relationship with your younger brother Malachi would have looked like.  I picture the two of you running and hiding from each other. I picture all the amazing things that a 5-year-old would do..but you aren’t doing them.

Could we have done more therapy? Could we have prayed longer? Fasted more? Went to more healing services?

Judah – I don’t know what or if we could have done something different. However, I love you. I love when you say “Hi Daddy” when I get you out of your crib. I love when you smile. I love when you say “Hey Daddy” when I am singing on our walks.. as if you are saying “I am going to sing by myself now” and then you start belting out some song.  I love when you get tired and you laugh and laugh and laugh. I love your tooting sounds. I love our bond.

I love knowing that someday we will be in heaven talking, laughing and running through the fields. Until that day- I will keep trying, I will keep believing, I will keep expecting and I will keep loving. Happy Birthday Judah.